I haven’t slept well for the past two nights.
I’ve been waking up in the early hours of the morning, unable to get back to sleep until moments before the alarm clock shrills at 7.20. Something is bothering me, my mind whirls and races, and every time it quietens, it only comes back shouting twice as loud.
It started with an email, a request for me to review a book. Well, you should know me well enough by now to know that I’m not the kind of girl to turn down a free book. OK, free anything. The book turned up and I began to read. I won’t tell you what it is just yet because I haven’t finished reading it, but the chapters I’ve read have resonated.
And, when things resonate, or vibrate, they can set things loose. Thoughts or feelings we keep buried can somehow find themselves shaken to the top, and there’s nothing to do but face them. Usually in the middle of the night, when everyone else is asleep and there’s just you and your demons. Taunting, nagging, and pulling at your soul until you have to do something.
What could be so terrible to keep me awake? Would you believe a blog post?
I haven’t been writing as heartfelt as I did before. My blog used to be a safe place for me to share my life; it was an extension of me and, often, therapy. I’ve been consciously self-censoring since I wrote about the stalker creep.
I can’t tell you this story in a linear fashion so bear with me as I go back to the weekend. I don’t have much time to visit blogs these days, but on Sunday, I had a few minutes and I read a post by Seba from Southern Kitchen Witch. Again, it was something that resonated but at first, just like the book, my thoughts were, ‘brave, brutally honest but nothing to which I can directly relate’.
And then, the cogs began to turn, and I kept pondering the post, and the more I thought, the more troubled I became. Then these thoughts merged with the book I’m reading and I began to see patterns.
Not long after I found myself in the role of single mother to two little boys, my mother said to me, “Lyn, I don’t understand. Why aren’t you angry? I would be”. I prattled off a response about anger only ever eating up the person in which it resides. She expected me to play the dramatic part of wronged wife, with diva tantrums and gnashing of teeth. Instead, I barely ate, I wanted to sleep all the time, I became hypersensitive to other people’s emotions, and I spent a lot of time just wanting to die. It was the number one thing on my wish list.
Anger doesn’t have to be explosive. It implodes too.
That’s how I deal with things, and up until a few days ago, I honestly had never associated it with anger.
And that, in a very roundabout way, brings me back to my writing self-censorship. In the space of a week, the Universe had guided me to two amazing, intelligent women, one through a book and the other a blog, who have been brave, brutally honest and have a lot to lose by doing so. For the past 6-months, I have been holding back on expressing myself, being true to who I am, because I am angry.
I’m unsettled, and frankly still disturbed, about the creep but I’m angrier with myself for falling into a victim mentality. This is my repeat pattern, a place I know well. It’s safer and easier for me to cut out part of who I am than to stay true to what I feel inside. Deep down I want to be brave and honest too.
Anger has been keeping me up at night. Irritating my sleep, refusing to stay down in the deep abyss where she normally resides. She doesn’t want me to begin shouting, screaming and stamping my feet but she wants to be acknowledged and she wants me to do something.
And so I’m writing this post. I wasn’t sure I would.
This quote, from the cover of a notebook I bought yesterday, made up my mind:
So I’m speaking from the heart to be heard.
P.S. The photo is from the beach today – isn’t it gloriously grey?
Women are socialized not to express anger. But anger turned inwards is depression. Better to let it out at the person who deserves our anger than to keep it bottled up. I know it's sometimes difficult to do, though, because anger is scary and not "nice." When we use our anger constructively, our lives can change for the better.
Jeez, I sound pretty preachy, don't I? But it's true!
Sometimes we bury our emotions so deep it's almost impossible to even remember them. But they are like zombies, they keep returning from the grave…
It must be something in the air, or maybe specifically sea air, because I'm coming to many of the same conclusions. I have always bottled things up, squished them down, bitten them back, swallowed whatever was choking me, but no more. Things are changing, and it seems to be affecting us all.
Wow, it's so funny I was just thinking the same thing the other night, that one of the reasons I have been avoiding my blog was for this same reason, i have found myself avoiding alot of things having to do with faith recently because of something personal & I wanted to post about it & talk about it. this post just reminded me that my blog is for me, *others will read, but it's truly for me* thanks Lyn.
It's a really tough dilemma, isn't it? It felt really good to stop censoring myself yesterday and I slept well, which is a sign in itself. Carry on blogging Aisha! x
Oh this post made me cry, I know exactly where you are coming from, thanks for sharing and sending a big positive scottish hug your wayxxx
I'm so glad you're reclaiming yourself and your blog back, Lyn. Your reactions to the creep are perfectly grounded and I know that I would also shut down and implode with depression instead of letting 'er rip. It takes in my mind a lot of courage and strength to honestly feel the challenges and trials you've been facing with a new burst of energy and the consequential anger. It reminds me of the goddess, Kali and shaking off the enemies and going forth in all your beauty and strengh. Good for YOU, Lyn : )
I enjoy seeing others come to share their concern and support for you Lyn. I am also kinda wondering if I am a cyber stalker. I don't want to be labeled as one, I just feel like a fan of yours.
I think this post is a great representation of truth. Sometimes this is far better than not revealing it at all. This shows people the depth and complexity of your character and being. I know humans are definitely complex, they have to be or life would be boring. But hearing or I should say seeing it from you as the source, it much better.
I hope this little goblin goes to sleep soon. Colette Baron-Reid's book The Map is a great book and I am sort I had not written a review on it. I just slipped that away too along with other goals of mine. But, I do encourage you to read it.
That is what I can offer to you, I would love ti sit and drink tea, but I am so far away. But then I guess that statement goes to me worrying about being a stalker. Oh my. lol
I hoped I made you smile for a bit.
Bernard, you did make me smile
Thank you <3
The photo is gloriously grey
I'm glad you're sleeping better. While I self-censor my blog as my daughter occ. reads it, & I don't want the relationship with my grandchildren affected (daughter is such a muggle…don't really understand why that is…), but I don't keep my anger in. I'm a yeller…mundane & magically, as needs be.